Broken

I know that by watching me over the last year you would never know that I love God, or maybe even know him. I am ashamed of that. He has done so much for me...so much that I don't deserve. None of us deserve what he does for us, but lately especially me. I have let myself go down all of the wrong paths and make decisions that I knew better than to make. God is dealing with me. I asked for it, I won't lie. But I find it so hard to listen. It's amazing to me how He can take things and help you to learn and grow from them. It's amazing to me how he can break you. I want to be who God wants me to be, I want to make Him proud. I am sorry to all of the people that I have let down and I thank all of the people who have helped me want to live my life right. You may not even know who you are, but just realize that even when you don't realize it people are watching you. You are always a witness...everyday. I want you to know that I am still going to make mistakes, I know that. Please be understanding and just help hold me accountable...I may not like it, but I need it.

Love ya'll
-Heather

Realizations...

Life isn't always a picnic, nor are relationships. Over the last few weeks I have really learned a lot. Moving out here I have gone against what I have been taught and something that I have always believed. Honestly though, I am glad I did it. I don't regret it and I wouldn't change it. I am seeing my flaws...by myself, which I think is the best way. It rarely helps for someone else to point them out. It's kind of like going on a self exploration, only I am also learning about someone else too...and life. Its hard when two people go from living on their own to intertwining their lives. It makes you realize just how independent you actually were and how stubborn and selfish you can be. Not only am I seeing my flaws, but qualities I didn't realize I had. Living with someone else you see the best and worst of each other...it really makes you stop and think sometimes.

I am not saying that everyone should move across the country to live with their boyfriend for a while, or that what I am doing is right. I am just saying that sometimes coming out of your comfort zone and expanding your boundaries can be educational. You will be surprised how much you can learn...spiritually, about yourself, about others, and about life. Maybe for you it could be something as simple as learning a new language or trying a new church or taking a job that moves you away from your family. Who knows....

Friendships...

So moving to a new place and not really knowing anyone has got me thinking a lot lately. I have been thinking a lot about myself and the people in my life. This may come out as a lot of jumbled thoughts or maybe I will pick one topic for now and write on something else later...I don't really know.

One thing that I have really thought a lot about lately are my friends. I have been thinking about the people that have come and gone in and out of my life and the people who have made an impact on me. It is crazy how one person can change you. They can make you see things in a different light. Looking back, there have been many people who helped to mold me into who I am today and help guide me into figuring out who I am. I have lost and gained many friends, made good memories as well as bad ones, and learned the lessons of life.

Lately though, I have been reevaluating my relationships. Moving away has made me realize the people who care about me the most. I have began to realize that the people I thought were there, really weren't. I can remember a conversation I had with a friend a while back about how people are your friend until it is inconvenient for them. She was talking about how when she got pregnant her large group of friends suddenly turned into just a few. It's funny how things change over time and people grow apart. It's actually really hard to deal with at times. One will argue that it's the others fault and vise versa, but the truth is that it's neither; that is just the way life works. You can't blame each other. Decide if that person really matters to you; do you want them in your life still? Then you have to try and be patient and understanding and realize that you can't expect anything out of anyone. If you do, you will just be let down. All you can do is love and try to be the best friend that you can be. (That can be hard, I know.)

All this to say, thank you to the people who have been there, the ones who have impacted me, the ones who have changed me. I'm sorry I haven't always been the best friend at times, I'm trying to work on that=)

Love you,
Heather

Airplane thoughts...

So today I was flying home from San Diego and what better things did I have to do than think? It started off kind of like reminiscing. I was thinking about the weekend and how much fun I had, how over the last couple of months mine and Paul's relationship has completely exploded! (in a good way) Things just seemed more comfortable and real...it was like I could feel the love. I'm not sure how much sense that makes, but it makes sense in my head! I was thinking about how I have changed and how relationships work; how love works. Which of course brought my mind to God.

I am reading the book The Shack right now. If you haven't heard of it it's a spiritual book about how a man finds God after his daughter was abducted and murdered. This book has began to open my eyes to a lot of things. One of them being relationships. In the book God explains to Mack that relationships are about two people working together. One person isn't more important than the other and no one is in charge. That is where we go wrong. We are all about control. We always have to have a person in charge and we always have to have rules. It got me to thinking about my relationship now and ones of the past. This one is obviously different, but how? Things aren't perfect by any means and we are guilty of the same things. But do you think that if we change these things our relationships will really improve? I really agree with the whole rules thing. Rules set expectations...they WILL be broken, we are human after all. I am the world's worst at rules. I have a tendency to make them up as I go...it isn't fair to my boyfriend or my friends, whomever it effects. Who are we to place limits on those we love? God doesn't place limits on us. He let's us make our own decisions. He may offer us advice, but he doesn't force anything upon us. I want to be more like God.

Which brings me to my relationship with God. I have been really thinking a lot lately about him and this book has come into my hands at the perfect time. Coincidence? Who knows! I have been having a hard time with this whole religion thing. You know...what is right and what is wrong. I have been struggling with believing that there is one way that we are all supposed to live. We are all so different. Why would God want us to do all of the same things? That is so boring. What if God doesn't have any rules? What if he just wants us to love him and trust him and let him in so that we CAN REALLY know him? I think we focus too much on what we have been told is right and wrong. I think that we judge each other too much. (I am completely guilty of that.) I just find it so hard to believe that people can actually live the life that we are taught to live when we are young. I don't think it's real. There are too many rules. I think that if we just trust Him and love Him and start a relationship with Him (like a friendship) then the rest will just happen. We will still make mistakes. We will still choose not to listen at times, but there are no rules on how to love God. There are no rules on how to praise Him or what your relationship should be like. We all have this idea that has been forced into our minds and when we don't meet those expectations we feel guilty. We feel as though we have failed. We shouldn't do some of the things we do because someone else told us that it was how it should be; because then our heart isn't in it and it means nothing. Let God be your guide. Feel the love :)