Love Yourself: The Balance

"You can't love yourself at the expense of someone else." 

-Miranda Lambert: Love is Looking for You

I was listening to this song the other day, and that part of the song really stuck with me. I started thinking about what that meant to me. I found myself thinking about it often and in depth. So, I went to the beach. I sat there watching the waves, the birds, and the people; and I wrote...

It seems like "self love" is very trendy these days. Especially with the New Year. You know - "New Year, New Me". I've heard a lot of people say that their New Year's Resolution is to love themselves and put themselves first. I know I've said it before. I may have even said it this year!

Don't get me wrong, I think that's great! There is nothing at all wrong with that. I believe that we should all love ourselves, take care of ourselves, and look out for ourselves emotionally, etc. We should do what we want-what makes us happy. We shouldn't worry about what other people may say or think if we make this decision or that one, or what might happen if people find out this or that about us. It is our lives, and ultimately, we are the ones who will live with those decisions.

However, not at the expense of someone else. I think it is important for us to remember and take into consideration that sometimes, our decisions DO affect others. There is a difference in loving yourself and being selfish. There are times when it matters what others may say, think, or feel...and there are times it doesn't. It is up to us to know the difference and to find a balance. We don't want to be selfless, but we also don't want to be selfish. I think this comes down to our hearts- who we are on the inside- along with life experiences. 

I'm learning that we aren't all going to agree on that "balance" and that's okay. We are all different people. We have all experienced different things. We all have different perspectives and walk away from specific events in our lives with a different lesson learned or knowledge gained than someone else may have. I thought the answer to this balance between the right and wrong way to "love yourself" was simple. If it could potentially hurt someone else, then don't do it.

I'm starting to realize that maybe it isn't always that cut and dry. There isn't always a black and a white area - sometimes, there is a gray. And only we can decide if that gray area is worth visiting, because it may cause pain to someone else, but it may also be the best thing we could do for ourselves. The only way to know is to weigh the circumstances and take a leap of faith. If it works, then maybe it was worth it. If it fails...well, then we take what we can from the experience and apply those lessons to other circumstances in our lives. 

I don't think those gray areas are very common though. I think most of the time we know in our hearts the right decision to make. We just have to listen to ourselves and sometimes we have to think a little harder than we may want to. We have to want to make the right decision. We have to care about other people, as well as ourselves. Not in EVERY decision that we make, but sometimes - a lot of times.

We may feel that we are making the right decision about something. We may feel like our choices won't or shouldn't hurt someone else. Because maybe, we do think about others feelings, but maybe we aren't able to understand how they might feel. So, maybe, we don't agree on what the "right" decision is. It doesn't make either person wrong. It doesn't make either person right. And it certainly doesn't make one person better than the other. It simply means that we are at different points in our lives. It means that, because of our circumstances and experiences, we view things a little differently. 

Again, that's okay. But eventually we find ourselves in one of those gray areas. The ones where we have to decide who and what is more important to us. We debate whether or not this is something that will continue to happen. (Our decisions hurting them, their decisions hurting us) We ask ourselves, "Is this who they really are now? Is this who I really am now? Is  this just a phase we are going through? Have we changed? Do people really change?" 

Then we decide - is this person a positive factor in my life? Am I a positive factor in theirs? If we continue down the path we are on, someone will be hurt. If we shut them out our our life, someone will get hurt. But eventually....it could end up being the best thing for both of us. No matter what decision we make, someone gets hurt. The question is, will it be worth it?

BUT, maybe - we have to be selfish. Maybe, we have to hurt other people and eventually lose people from our lives. Because, maybe, it's all a part of the process of learning to love ourselves with balance. 

So, maybe, at the end of the day, the REAL question is....are we happy with ourselves? Are we happy with the decisions that we've made? Are we proud of ourselves and the decisions we've made? 

If the answer is yes, and we don't regret our decisions or the pain we have caused others, then maybe that's when we have found the balance....

When Tragedy Strikes

I woke up Sunday morning to the news of a mass shooting in Orlando, Florida. A city that, only 3 years ago, I called home. My first thoughts were a blur of confusion. Then, the worry set in. Please God, let my friends be okay. (I am thankful that Facebook has the "marked safe" feature.)

As I watched the news and read reports, tears streamed down my face. Not because I knew anyone involved, but because that city changed me for the better. Because that city holds a special place in my heart. Because one person's hate ended over 50 innocent lives and destroyed the hearts of all of their loved ones. Because I know what it feels like to unexpectedly lose someone you love. Because I have felt the suspense of not knowing if a loved one survived something so tragic. Because every single day I am amazed by the amount of HATE we have, not only in our world, but in our country. Because I was overwhelmed by the love and support of strangers who wanted to help. Because I was overwhelmed by by the selfless acts of kindness that came from such a hate filled tragedy. Because maybe, even with all of the hate, we have hope left for humanity.

I am not usually one to voice my opinion on controversial matters, but for some reason, this whole situation really cuts me deep.  You might not like what I have to say, it may even seem hypocritical, and in no way is this post meant to offend anyone. I just want to give people something to think about. Here goes....

I know this is America and we all have the right to voice our opinion, but now is not the time. There is such a thing as tact. There is such thing as empathy. Let's not make this about something other than what it is. Let's not take away the importance of the lives that were lost and the grieving process of their friends and families.

You don't believe in homosexuality? Great!
You blame it on gun control? Great!
You say it has nothing to do with gun control? Great!
You blame Obama? Great!
You think Trump or Hillary will change things like this for the better? Great!
You think the presidential nominees will change it for the worse? You guessed it....Great!
Is ISIS to blame? Who knows!?
Have any other negative, controversial opinions? Those are all great too!
KEEP IT TO YOURSELF!

My point is that it has only been TWO days! Can we at least wait a week or so before we start the ranting and controversial opinions? Can we allow time for reality to set in and at least some mourning to take place?

What we need right now is more love and support for each other, not more hate and more controversy. Our opinions about the laws and the difference between right and wrong are not going to change the world. At least not for the better. Our love and kindness will. Please keep that in mind the next time you want to voice your opinion. Is it going to make the world a better place? Or is it just going to create more negativity?

If you know me, you know i'm a quote person. Here are some verses I found that I feel relate to this post. Don't believe in the Bible? That's okay. I found some quotes from history that also relate.

"Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses." Proverbs 10:12

"Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins." 1 Peter 4:8

"You must let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but only what is beneficial for the building up of the one in need, that it may give grace to those who hear." Ephesians 4:29

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that." -Dr. MLK Jr.

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them." Mother Teresa

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." Gandhi

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." Mother Teresa

"No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin or his background or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite." - Nelson Mandela

The Give and Take

"There will always be a reason why you meet people. Either you need them to change your life or you're the one that will change theirs." 

"In life, you will realize there is a role for everyone that you meet. Some will test you, some will use you, some will love you, and some will teach you."

"Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we will have to keep on going and thank them for what they've given us."

Something happens when you hit 30, for me at least.  Or maybe it's just all of the things I've been through lately. Either way, I've found myself evaluating people as they enter my life a little more than I have in the past. I've found myself reevaluating friendships and relationships that I've had for years. I've found myself reminiscing on the past, both good and bad, and applying the lessons I learned to new situations I am faced with. I've found myself listening a little longer, trying a little harder, and giving up a little sooner. Not giving up because it's the easy way out, because I think I'm better, or because I don't care; but because at some point I realized, not everything or everyone is worth fighting for. At some point I learned  who I am, where I stand, and what I am willing to tolerate or compromise with. I learned my self-worth and to try my best to weigh situations in a fair and healthy manner. I learned that sometimes it's okay to walk away from people, situations, friendships, and relationships. It doesn't make me weak. It doesn't make me a quitter. It doesn't even make me a failure. Actually, in many ways, it makes me the opposite. 

I'm beginning to realize that it isn't always about wether or not the relationship was able to withstand the test of time and trials. But, maybe, it's more about what you were able to give during that relationship- sometimes more than you realized. Or even the things you can take away from the relationship: lessons, memories, strengths, ways to improve yourself, etc. 

I've come to realize that people are going to come into my life and cause me to feel several different ways. People will disappoint me, hurt me, love me, test me, teach me, use me, comfort me, deceive me, lift me up, tear me down, and even push me to places I didn't know existed- both good and bad. Sometimes these relationships and friendships will strengthen, sometimes we will make it out okay, and sometimes they will come to an end. I may never know the real "reason" someone came into my life. And I may never know the real "reason" they left. But I have come to terms with the fact that, maybe I'm not supposed to look for reasons. Maybe I'm not supposed to "know" the reasons. Maybe, instead, I am supposed to look for the good that has come from each situation I have dealt with or found myself in. And maybe, I'm supposed to do that same thing when these relationships or friendships begin. 

Instead of dwelling on the "whys", the pain, the anger, the disappointment, the "what ifs", or the confusion; I want to focus on the lessons that can come from each and every one of these situations. I want to dwell in the happy memories shared, or to be made, with these individuals. I want to focus on the positives- the ways we can help each other grow, strengthen each other, and lift each other up. I want to look at the people in my life, see them for who they are, and love them regardless.  I choose to believe that every person in my life has helped me in some way, shape, or form; and I have done the same for them. It may be years before either of us realize it, but that's okay. That's the beauty of it all. 

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying we should all go through life wearing "rose colored glasses". I've been down that road, and trust me it isn't one I would recommend or would want to take again. My point is that there is a balance in life, friendships, relationships, etc. That balance is different for everyone. You give and you take. You live and you learn. We have to decide what it is that we are looking for in life. What are our goals? Who are we looking for in friendships and relationships? How much are we willing to put into these relationships? Are we going to let our pasts interfere with our futures? If so, in a positive way? Or in a negative way? These are questions I have been asking myself lately. After all, so much of our life depends on our perspective. Something to think about...

Decisions, Selfishness, Fear?

For some reason, I find myself sitting here thinking about all of the people that have come in and out of my life over the past 30 years. Thinking of how they entered, how they exited, and how they remain a part of the life I live. I'm thinking of all of the times we have been there for each other, all of the times we have let each other down, all of the times we were faced with situations that were difficult, and the times that we thought nothing would come in between us. I wonder why certain things happened and how we end up in certain situations. All of it comes down to one word. Decisions.

What drives us to make the decisions that we do? Every single aspect of our life comes down to a decision that we or someone else has made. Think about it. One single decision could change your life. One decision could change the life of someone else. Everything we do has an impact on others, even when we don't realize it. Because, somehow, we are all connected. It's beautiful, ironic, scary, majestic, and somewhat unfair all at the same time.

Looking back, I wonder why in the world people have made some of the decisions that they did. How could they not see what it would do to themselves? To others? I wonder the exact same thing about myself and some of my decisions.

I'm starting to realize that it all boils down to the fact that we are selfish. All of us. Maybe we don't want to be, or mean to be, but we are human. We don't want to be the vulnerable one. We don't want to be the one to get "one upped". We don't want to be wrong. We don't want to be the one who fails. We don't want to be the one to love the most. We don't want to be the "stupid" or "naive" one. We don't want to be the one to give up or the one to be stubborn. We care way too much about ourselves and what everyone thinks of us, and not enough about each other.

Or maybe I'm wrong. About some of us, or even all of us. Maybe the problem isn't selfishness and the problem is fear. Fear of being the vulnerable one. Fear of being wrong. Fear of being "one upped" or the one to love the most. Fear of giving up too easily or not giving up soon enough. Fear of being hurt or making the wrong choice.

I guess ultimately it doesn't matter how we got to where we are, or why we make the decisions that we do. I guess what matters is that we make the most of each and every situation and that we learn from the mistakes and the difficult times. I guess what matters is that we try our best to not let selfishness or fear guide our lives, but that we turn to God and let him be the decision maker. Maybe, if we thought more along those lines, and had faith that He has a plan and a reason for everything, we would be much better off.

Food for thought from the random mind of me....

Trust Without Borders

I wrote this blog post in February. I guess I planned on writing more, but I like it how it is....

Life can be scary. It can be beautiful and exciting. It can be overwhelming. It can be a combination of so many things. I don't think it's uncommon for us to feel like we are caught in a riptide and moments....seconds away from drowning. Especially in the generation and world that we live in.

Whether we are believers and/or followers of Christ or not, He has a plan for us. He is leading us in a certain direction and wants us to experience certain things. Sometimes the places we find ourselves are frightneing and overwhelming. Maybe we followed His calling to these situations, or maybe this is where we find Him. Either way, He has something to do with how we got here and the only way to keep our heads above water is to call on Him for guidance and direction. The only way we can do that is to trust Him. But here's the catch...."without borders".

Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding."

A Year in Review

2014

I've laughed. I've cried. I've stumbled, fallen, and risen against the odds. There have been friendships lost, wounded, strengthened, and formed. Life has been taken and also created. I've witnessed my family separate, relationships crumble, and watched many of the people I love experience heartache that they do not deserve. There have been marriages, engagements, and divorces. I've learned that with faith and effort anything is possible, and if you are willing to see it...something positive always comes out of the difficult times we go through. I've realized that nothing in this world is more important than God, true friends, and family. People will often disappoint you if you expect too much from them. No one can make you happy other than yourself. Point being: there have been many ups and downs, positives and negatives, mistakes made, lessons learned, etc.

I think the one thing that sticks out the most for me from 2014 is the power of prayer. I have always had a love for God and strived to be who He wants me to become. However, I have always struggled in this area. I still do, and I'm sure that I still will. This year, though, I have found myself praying much more frequently. I've prayed for God to heal my broken heart and to mend all of the scars that have been developed over the last 29 years. I have prayed for guidance and direction. I've prayed for forgiveness for myself and for God to help me to forgive others that have hurt me in some way. I've prayed to thank Him for continuing to bless and provide for me, even when I don't always deserve it. I think the prayer I have prayed the most this year is for His will to be done in my life, and for Him to show me- no questions asked or unsureness about it- what path to take so that I am certain I'm following HIS plan for my life and not my own. That is both the scariest and best thing I have ever done. We are humans. We are Americans. We live in the 21st century. We like to be in control. That is not a prayer to take lightly, and if you don't truly mean it....you will not see the blessings of it in full effect.

 I honestly believe that because of this prayer, I am where I am supposed to be. I am happier than I have been in a very long time. I am more conscious of my flaws and mistakes, and use them to help me improve my relationships and character. I hope that if you are reading this, you don't take it as me bragging or thinking that I am better than you in any way. I'm only sharing this because, if you know me, you have probably seen a pretty big change in me over the last year. (Hopefully, in a good way.) This year hasn't been the easiest, but I really have been blessed and I wouldn't change a minute of it. I am so thankful for all of the things I have been through, lessons I have learned, and people that have been a part of it.

Here is to a new year filled with many more blessings to all of us! I love you all and don't forget to laugh today! :)

<3 heather="" p="">

twenty-what?

Well, here I am...deep in thought. Really I should be asleep or at least grading papers! Tomorrow I will be 29😳. I'm proud of myself for all I have made it through, how far I have come, how much I have grown as an individual, and everything I have learned. Sometimes I get discouraged and sometimes wonder when things will quit being so hard. But all in all, if I really stop to think about things...I have been blessed beyond what I deserve. I may not have everything I want and I may struggle in order to have the things I need, but God NEVER has made me go without. He has always provided.

It's funny how you can get so upset about things in your life and God can send you a little reminder that things could be worse. Or just simply make you stop and think...put things in perspective.

Yesterday was a typical Monday for me. I was pretty much mad at the world. I went to Walgreens to pick up a prescription in the drive thru. There, in the street, stood a blind man. Glasses, stick, and all. He was trying to find his way somewhere, but I didn't know what to do. He would walk to the curb, turn, walk the other way, feel all over cars (in line at the window), then keep on until he ran into the building. The process continued. I didn't want to embarrass him, but I wanted to help. Finally, I heard him talking so I rolled down my window and asked if I could help. He was looking for the sidewalk so he could cross the street and get to the bus stop. I tried my best to explain. I watched him continue to struggle as I waited my turn at the window. I thought about how he must feel. How frustrated and lost he probably was. (Which is ironic because I was feeling that way about other things) I wondered if my directions were okay. I imagined what it must be like to be in his shoes. After I got my prescription I pulled over and helped the man again with directions and tried to explain a little better. I watched as he made his way.

Not only did that remind me that my life could be worse. It also reminded me of how important  communication is and how important it is to think of things from other people's perspective too. I could have easily turned that man in the wrong direction with one wrong word. (At one point, I think I did) It also made me think about what my life would be like without all of the support and direction I get from God, friends, and family. I would be walking through life blind, not knowing which direction to turn in order to reach my destination. Thank you. All of you. Love u lots!

Don't forget to laugh today,
Heather
Xoxo