"You can't love yourself at the expense of someone else."
-Miranda Lambert: Love is Looking for You
I was listening to this song the other day, and that part of the song really stuck with me. I started thinking about what that meant to me. I found myself thinking about it often and in depth. So, I went to the beach. I sat there watching the waves, the birds, and the people; and I wrote...
It seems like "self love" is very trendy these days. Especially with the New Year. You know - "New Year, New Me". I've heard a lot of people say that their New Year's Resolution is to love themselves and put themselves first. I know I've said it before. I may have even said it this year!
Don't get me wrong, I think that's great! There is nothing at all wrong with that. I believe that we should all love ourselves, take care of ourselves, and look out for ourselves emotionally, etc. We should do what we want-what makes us happy. We shouldn't worry about what other people may say or think if we make this decision or that one, or what might happen if people find out this or that about us. It is our lives, and ultimately, we are the ones who will live with those decisions.
However, not at the expense of someone else. I think it is important for us to remember and take into consideration that sometimes, our decisions DO affect others. There is a difference in loving yourself and being selfish. There are times when it matters what others may say, think, or feel...and there are times it doesn't. It is up to us to know the difference and to find a balance. We don't want to be selfless, but we also don't want to be selfish. I think this comes down to our hearts- who we are on the inside- along with life experiences.
I'm learning that we aren't all going to agree on that "balance" and that's okay. We are all different people. We have all experienced different things. We all have different perspectives and walk away from specific events in our lives with a different lesson learned or knowledge gained than someone else may have. I thought the answer to this balance between the right and wrong way to "love yourself" was simple. If it could potentially hurt someone else, then don't do it.
I'm starting to realize that maybe it isn't always that cut and dry. There isn't always a black and a white area - sometimes, there is a gray. And only we can decide if that gray area is worth visiting, because it may cause pain to someone else, but it may also be the best thing we could do for ourselves. The only way to know is to weigh the circumstances and take a leap of faith. If it works, then maybe it was worth it. If it fails...well, then we take what we can from the experience and apply those lessons to other circumstances in our lives.
I don't think those gray areas are very common though. I think most of the time we know in our hearts the right decision to make. We just have to listen to ourselves and sometimes we have to think a little harder than we may want to. We have to want to make the right decision. We have to care about other people, as well as ourselves. Not in EVERY decision that we make, but sometimes - a lot of times.
We may feel that we are making the right decision about something. We may feel like our choices won't or shouldn't hurt someone else. Because maybe, we do think about others feelings, but maybe we aren't able to understand how they might feel. So, maybe, we don't agree on what the "right" decision is. It doesn't make either person wrong. It doesn't make either person right. And it certainly doesn't make one person better than the other. It simply means that we are at different points in our lives. It means that, because of our circumstances and experiences, we view things a little differently.
Again, that's okay. But eventually we find ourselves in one of those gray areas. The ones where we have to decide who and what is more important to us. We debate whether or not this is something that will continue to happen. (Our decisions hurting them, their decisions hurting us) We ask ourselves, "Is this who they really are now? Is this who I really am now? Is this just a phase we are going through? Have we changed? Do people really change?"
Then we decide - is this person a positive factor in my life? Am I a positive factor in theirs? If we continue down the path we are on, someone will be hurt. If we shut them out our our life, someone will get hurt. But eventually....it could end up being the best thing for both of us. No matter what decision we make, someone gets hurt. The question is, will it be worth it?
BUT, maybe - we have to be selfish. Maybe, we have to hurt other people and eventually lose people from our lives. Because, maybe, it's all a part of the process of learning to love ourselves with balance.
So, maybe, at the end of the day, the REAL question is....are we happy with ourselves? Are we happy with the decisions that we've made? Are we proud of ourselves and the decisions we've made?
If the answer is yes, and we don't regret our decisions or the pain we have caused others, then maybe that's when we have found the balance....
