Lost and Found

"I lost myself more than once and had to find myself again. Each time better than the person I had lost previously." 

After writing my last post, those two sentences kept replaying in my head. Maybe it's because I just recently found myself again. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of losing myself again. Or maybe it's because I see it happen to people around me all of the time.

Forgetting WHO you are is not a fun feeling. It can happen for a lot of reasons...failed relationships, working relationships, stress at work, the overwhelming sensation of life, death of a loved one, etc.

I have lost myself more than once & for more than one reason. I will share with you a few of the most memorable ones for me. (I underlined the things that I learned about life and myself. These lessons are why I think I came back from it as a better person.)

The first time it happened was during my very first (serious) relationship. I think this is probably a common thing among young love. I was in 11th grade and I actually had a lot going for myself. I was active in my school, made good grades, wanted to attend college, had lots of friends, etc. It wasn't long before I had isolated myself from a lot of things that were once very important to me. Slowly I wasn't invited to go places or do things, I started losing friends, the list goes on. I'm not sure why or how, but one day I just realized I wasn't happy. I needed to make some changes. I couldn't put my relationship above myself or the other people that I cared so much about. 

That brings me to the second time I lost myself. I was 20 years old and had just started doing hair. I had found a balance in life and I was finally starting to be happy again. If you know me very well, you know this story. This is when I think I lost myself the most. But on the bright side, I think it's also what helped me to figure out who I really was the most. Chris and I had been dating for four years. We had began planning our future and getting excited about what would happen next in our lives. One night all of that changed. Chris was killed by a drunk driver in the most bizarre way imaginable. My life, my hopes, my dreams, my future, and my heart crumbled around me. I was numb. I was devastated. I was broken. I was lost. Who was I now? What was I supposed to do? What about the plans we had made? What made ME happy? I had to realize that life went on. I had to learn that my plans weren't God's plans. I had to become happy on my own and find a new life path. Which eventually I did, but I made a lot of mistakes along the way. 

Some years later, I found myself in Orlando. I was in a relationship that didn't make me happy.  I settled because he treated me like a princess and I wanted to be there for him during a difficult time. I was also working as a teacher at probably the most disorganized & unhealthy school imaginable. I was more stressed out than I had ever been and had more on my plate than I could handle. This is the third time I lost myself. It was a combination of my relationship and my job. I realized that something had to give. I knew that even though he treated me so well and he loved me so much, that I wasn't happy. Something wasn't there. I had wanted a relationship so badly and wanted to please someone else so much that I had settled for something and someone that I wasn't. I decided to end the relationship. This helped me to become a happier person in general, which led to me being able to deal with the stresses of my job. I vowed to myself to never settle for anyone or anything again. It may hurt their feelings, but in the long run everyone will be happier. 

The most recent time I lost myself sounds a lot like the other times. I guess I'm just hard-headded! Or maybe God just wanted to really instill those lessons in me so that I wouldn't have to go through them again. I had fallen head over heels in love for the first time in years. As time passed and long distance played its tole on the relationship. I started to do whatever I could to make sure things worked out. I did things I wouldn't normally do, acted in ways I wouldn't normally act, & thought in ways that I wouldn't normally think. I quit doing things that I loved so that I could do things to please him instead. I walked on eggshells so that I wouldn't make him angry. I chose him over me, his friends over mine, and his family over my family. As I'm sure you can imagine, it became an extremely unhealthy relationship. My feelings would get easily hurt and I would lash out at him. Eventually the relationship ended. But because we both "loved each other so much" and were unable to let go, we strung it out longer than it should have gone. Through it all, I got caught up in what I thought I had to be and forgot who I was once again. I had to completely walk away and cut all ties, even though I didn't want to. Once again I was lost, heartbroken, and couldn't remember what actually made ME happy. It took me a while, but I'm finally back on my feet and happy.

Through these experiences I have learned the importance of being myself & making sure I have time for things that are important to me. I can't let my life revolve around a relationship or become something /someone that I'm not. It's important to be happy in our relationships, jobs, and lives, but we can't let those things define us. Friends, family, & our own happiness are also very important. We have to find a balance. Remember that even when times are tough, even when you can't remember who you are, you can always look for the positive. Try to find the lesson and try to actually learn from it.

If you made it this far through my post, I hope that maybe I helped you in some way! Thank you for reading and don't forget to laugh today! :)

~ Heather

Catching Up

Wow! Here we are....5 years later! About time for another post haha

As the school year has ended and my life has slowed down a bit, I've had time to reflect on a lot of things. Now that I realize I haven't written since 2009, I look back over the last 5 years of my life and see how much I have grown and changed. Since my last post and a rough breakup; I moved back home to Pensacola from San Diego, away to Orlando, and back again. During that time, I have had two serious boyfriends and one of the most difficult heartbreaks since Chris died. I graduated college! (First person in my family!) And I have finally found a career that I love at a school that I adore. I have to say I have struggled, cried, looked to God, fought, screamed, acted a little crazy, made mistakes, broken hearts, talked people's ear off, and prayed my way to the person I am today. I lost myself more than once and had to find myself again. Each time, better than the person I lost previously. My mom always told me that you change every five years...looking over the last 28-29 years- I couldn't agree more. 

Over the last five years I have learned:

•  patience
• self confidence
•  the importance of family & friends
• hard work can get you anywhere you want to be
• trust God and His plans--even when it makes no sense at the time
• sometimes you have to let go and walk away
• you should never settle for anyone or anything; even if it means hurting someone's feelings (they will thank you later)
• honesty is very rare and it's a key component in every type of relationship- always strive to be honest
• you will never please EVERYONE, you don't live for them anyways...you live for God
• you WILL fail, but pick yourself back up and learn from your mistakes. Try again you will be surprised how differently things could turn out.
• laugh! even when you want to cry...
• take chances...a lot of times they are worth it
• people will lie to you; hurt you; cheat on you; use you; but it usually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with themselves
• always try be the bigger person: there aren't that many people who are willing to do that anymore
• Pray...you will be amazed at where it can get you
• find something that you love to do and make time to do it...life can be stressful and its important that we make time for ourselves

I could keep going, but who would want to read it? haha I'm proud of who I have become and the lessons I have learned from my hardships. I know all of them have made me a better person. 

Don't forget to laugh today! :)

~ Heather